The Source of My Unhappiness

Yes, I have found the source of my unhappiness. This is a big deal to me, you see I've been unhappy for about 80% of my life. Not for good reason mind you, but it is what it is. I can thank Google for this discovery.

I've been trying to sleep better, as such I've made a rule to stay in bed even if I wake up at 3AM. Well, I really like the solitude of 3AM-6AM. I don't know why, but I really like to reflect during these times and I used to reflect a lot. Anyway, I decided to indulge a little.

Well, one of the rules of 3AM activities is - never do anything permanent. I realized recently, that this is nothing more than sleepwalking. In fact, I'm doing it right now. I decided to check my gmail account. I'd been considering contacting some friends, but for selfish reasons, so I stared at my inbox and said - this is not right. I noticed the following ad on the page: "Jim Kerr - Technology Executive 20-yrs innovating systems that work. www.naymz.com". I took a look at this page. This guy was doing everything I like, a good job at Orbitz (very nice place to work I believe), likes fast planes (I like fast cars), etc. So I shot him an email that sounded like a veiled attempt to get a job. Kinda dumb - broke the rule. Anyway, he listed his personality type on the page, along with a pointer to www.personalitypage.com. He listed himself at ENTJ - The Executive. So I looked at the page and decided to discover my personality type. It cost $5, what the heck. Half an hour later I learn I'm INTJ - The Scientist. You can read about this in more detail on the personalitypage.

Hmm, I consider myself a little reserved, but not introverted. I thought about this. I scanned the website, but didn't pay it much attention. The next day, puzzled about how to deal with my job situation, I turned to David Allen's audio book again. My intuition said that I'd been taking advice from ENTJ's most of my life. I aspire to be one. But, sigh, I have not become extroverted. This bothered me. So, I decided to figure it out on my own. I've been doing the focus thing for a long time now. Strangely enough, I realize I've never been able to set priorities properly. In fact, about 10 years ago I forced my wife to define her priorities and I did the same. It was an excruciating exercise, which did not bode well. (I'd have this somewhere... hmm... I should look it up.) Anyway, this time I was armed with new information - my personality type.

I studied the ladder of abstraction concept and drew myself a diagram. From this diagram I realized that I spend way too much time in the higher layers of abstraction. This is not news really, but it showed clearly the struggle I have with getting things done. After discussing it with my wife, it also revealed something astounding.

OK, I need to explain the model first. It looks something like this:

+------------------------------------+
|               Existence           Principles/
|         ,.--''       `'--..       Environment
|      ,-'   ,--------.      `-.     |
|    ,'    ,'       Projects    `.   |
|   /     /               :       \  |
|   |    ;                ;       |  |
|   '.   |     Activities'       ,'  |
|     \  |     `.     ,'        /    |
|     Goals      `---'      Visions  |
|          `--.._______..--'         |
|                                    |
+------------------------------------+

The highest layer is existence - why are we here?
The lowest layer is activities - stuff we do - since we are always in motion.
In the middle is planning. Visions - are trends - what we expect to see in 3-5 years (or longer).
Goals - are things we do to achieve or compensate for visions.
Projects - are used to accomplish goals and are the framework for activities.

Everyone needs someone to do something for them. Don't kid yourself. You need someone to grow food you can eat, you need your employer to pay you so you can buy it. This means you need to influence them enough to enter into a relationship where goods and services are exchanged.

Principles and Environment are the universe within which we think - basically, your world. Most people influence others within the box, that is through tasks and urging, etc. However, I've discovered that I try to influence the principles of people around me. I try to force them to make their world match mine. Anyway I can. This is an impossible task. People only take direction such as that from God or people they consider God-like entities. Duh.

This is a tremendous burden for me and everyone in my life. Once I discovered this, I started to smile. I realized, I can only influence others by doing stuff within my principles and surround myself with people who share my "world". Only then, will I be happy.

I am fortunate. My wife and son share my principles. Others in my life do as well, however I have not recognized it. Instead if they make different choices or disagree with me or even complain, I withdraw. This is over. Now I can be happy.

This works for me, it may not work for you. If you want help with this concept, I'd be happy to give it.